Ants... not in my pants

The Agent was on a mission last week, so I was playing single parent. Something always goes wrong while The Agent's away. Sometimes it’s something minor, like the dumb dogs getting into the garbage and making a huge mess. Sometimes it’s major, like HR coming into my office to interview me as I beg the powers that be to let me keep my job.

Anyway, last week, my issue was ants. Bug was laying on the floor, and noticed an ant crawling on her. “Oh, yuck!” she yelled, and scrambled to her feet.

I did an investigation, and I saw many ants in the carpet. Not a trail, but ants crawling randomly everywhere, weaving in and out of the tufts. What the hell???

I get it. I have two young kids. One of them dropped a cracker crumb or whatever on the carpet, and the ants were having a picnic in my living room. But I can’t have ants crawling around. Gross.

Everyone has their own way of disposing of unwanted houseguests. There’s sprays, ant traps, and the like. But again, I have two kids. I can’t be spraying the carpet and then have BK trying to lick it up. Plus, I didn’t know if it would stain the carpet. Not an option.

But I have a vacuum, and my plan was the vacuum those suckers right up. And, bonus! I would also vacuum up the cookie crumbs or whatever kind of yuckiness was on my floor.

So, I dragged out my vacuum cleaner, and started pushing it back and forth.

Something was wrong. Ants were not getting sucked up.

They seemed to be getting REALLY pissed off.

Crap, there was something wrong with the vacuum cleaner. The rotation dealie bobber wasn’t turning. It must need a new belt. I have zero mechanical talent. You’re lucky I was able to turn on the computer to even write this story. Staring at the vacuum did not fix it.

The Agent wasn't coming home for another three days.

I didn't know what else to do, so I did nothing. We shared our living room with the ants, with me spending a good portion of every evening staring at the carpet.

When The Agent finally returned home, I told him he needed to drop everything and fix my vacuum cleaner. I simply could not coexist another second with the six-legged creatures.

“We have ants?” The Agent asked. “Where are they?”

“In the carpet. They’re everywhere.”

The Agent stared at the carpet. “I don’t see any,” he said. “Where are they?”

“Right there. No, wait… there. No, that’s not one, either. Gimme a second….”

I must have ant colored carpeting. 

The Agent sighed. “Are you sure there were any ants at all?”

Ugh. I am not crazy. Just fix my vacuum cleaner, damnit.