Tired

So, I’m feuding with my mother, I guess.

A quick recap: My sister is 17, and is currently pregnant with her second child. My mother is raising my sister  (and my niece) as a single parent (we have different dads… her father is kind of a loser. As is Kari's boyfriend). The three of them-- almost 4 of them-- live in a one-bedroom apartment. Times are tough for them.

My mother’s birthday was in October, two days before the Agent’s birthday. We had her over for dinner to celebrate, and I told her I wasn’t getting her anything for her birthday, because we didn’t want her to spend any money on us at our birthdays. She thought I was bluffing, and bought The Agent a $50 gift card to Applebee’s. We didn’t get her anything. I further informed her I wasn’t getting her anything for Christmas, either. This isn’t because I don’t love her or don’t want to get her anything-- I’m only doing this because she can’t afford to get us anything in return, and she would rather go into debt than not get us a present. I told her I would get something for the kids, but I wouldn’t be getting anything for her. She agreed to this.

My birthday was in November. She didn’t call, didn’t send card, I didn’t hear from her at all. My sister wrote on my Facebook page, that’s it. And I was fine with that. Birthdays are not a big deal to me, my Dad and his family were at the house all day anyway, it was no big deal. I didn’t even realize she hadn't called until the next day.

She didn’t call on Thanksgiving, either. Again, it was not a big deal to me. I was so busy that I didn’t realize she didn’t call until the evening, and then it was too late to call her. My mother works at a convalescent hospital, and works every holiday and weekend. She wouldn’t have gotten home until 3 pm, and I was deep in the middle of my turkey dinner by then.

Ok, so my niece turned 2 on Friday. I had a conversation with my sister that day, wishing my niece a happy birthday, and to say I would be over on Sunday afternoon to visit and to give Anna her birthday present. My sister said that was fine.

But then Sunday morning came and I woke up to this message on my phone:

“Mom said she has things to do later 2day & I'm at drewz house so I won't be home at the time you wanted to come over today so we can't see you 2day k.”

(Drew is her boyfriend. I am glad she's using less random Z‘s in her writing)

At first, I was relieved. Whoo hoo, a free afternoon with nothing to do! But then I got to thinking: What could she possibly have to do at 3 pm on a Sunday that she couldn‘t do any other day? She couldn’t be paying a bill or going to a doctor’s appointment. Maybe she had shopping to do, but I could have gone with her, or she could have gone the next day.

Is she mad at me? Because I didn’t get her a birthday present? Because I didn’t call on Thanksgiving? Maybe she really did have something she needed to do that couldn't wait? But why didn’t she just call? Why have my sister message me?

The Agent believes that she is embarrassed about where she lives, and doesn’t want me to come over. Perhaps. But I’ve been over before. Nothing has changed. And honestly, I don't think anything ever will change? So, she's never going to let us come over again?

I was talking about this with my bff, and she said I for sure needed to call my mother, and get this all out in the open. Probably. But I don’t know that I even really care. I know, it’s a terrible sin, I should always respect my parents. And I’m not mad, but I just don’t care. I’m tired. I’m tired of the choices she has made. I’m tired that she doesn’t come to the kids’ functions because she’s so worried that my dad and his family will be there. I’m tired that I always feel guilty whenever I choose seeing my dad over my mom.

I'm just tired.