Ghosts of Christmases Past

Let’s take a rewind, 6 years back. I was 7 months pregnant with Bug, and I had already gained 50 of the 76 pounds that came with the pregnancy. I was large, uncomfortable, and more than a little bitchy.

It was the Christmas season, and a lot of the moms I worked with had started breaking out their Christmas sweaters. Some were kinda cute-- I remember one lady had a gray sweater with a snowman embroidered on it that was nice. But most of them were straight hideous. I told my girlfriend one day in the break room that apparently it was an unwritten rule that once you become a mom, you have to wear a tacky Christmas sweater. We had a laugh, and I went on to complain about how my feet were swelling up so much, I was wearing flip flops in the 40 degree weather.

Two weeks later, we were having our annual holiday lunch-- catered from the local Italian place. After the lunch, various forms of recognition were awarded to those who were worthy, coworkers who had gone above and beyond throughout the course of the year. Certainly not me. I wasn’t really even paying attention until my boss said, “A little birdie told me about something our expectant mom asked Santa for this Christmas…”

My ears perked up. I was the only pregnant girl in the office. I was getting a gift? My boss beckoned to me, and I waddled my way to the front of the room. My boss was holding up a large bag, and gesturing for me to open the gift in front of the entire office.

Oh, Lord.

I suppose it was not the ugliest sweater ever made. Just that year, my step mother had ordered a hideous turquoise monstrosity, featuring elves holding strings of lights that really lit up. But the sweater that I pulled out of the bag was, well… not cute.

It was bright red, with white snowflakes embroidered all over it. On each front panel, there was a happy little family of snowmen, perhaps caroling in the neighborhood, or picking out their Christmas tree. It was so not me. As if the sweater wasn’t bad enough, it came with a matching pair of pants: red, with a classy elastic waist band. Let me tell you, I was one sexy pregnant Mama.

The whole office laughed over this gift, and I was mortified to have this kind of unwanted attention.

6 years has passed since this gift was given to me. At least 80% of the office has turned over since then. In fact, the very woman who gave me the sweater no longer works for company. And yet, someone always remembers, and reminds me.

“Hey, Lovely! You going to wear the sweater this year?” “Great sweater, Lovely. Is that the one the boss gave you, or are you starting a collection?”

Lest you doubt my sexiness, here is a picture of me in the sweater the Christmas after I had Bug:

You know you want some of this.