Sad

I'm sad.

I'm not suicidal. I'm not even at a debilitating level of sadness. I can still function in life. I'm just... sad.

I'm sad because school is starting on Monday, and kids really didn't get to do anything that fun.
I'm sad because I have no close girlfriends.
I'm sad because even when one of my girlfriends did call me and wanted to hang out, I lied and said I had other plans.
I'm sad because I have absolutely no hope of getting the promotion I want.
I'm sad because I chose to lay on the couch all evening instead of interacting with the babies.
I'm sad because I can't share this with anyone I know in real life.
I'm sad because I need to lose 50 pounds.
I'm sad because the house is a mess.
I'm sad because everyone I know thinks I'm always happy, always the jokester.

I understand that these problems are really no different from what every other person has to face. And if these are the worse of my problems, my life is pretty good.

But that doesn't change how I feel.





ie

4 Reasons Why I'm Sad and Grumpy

This started out as my weekend update, but then things went askew...

I don't know if you've noticed this, but I've had a case of the blahs lately. Not blogging much, and not saying a whole lot even when I do blog. I am grumpy and lazy and sad. So here follows the pity party.

On Friday, I applied for a new job. It's still with the same company, but it's a completely different position than what I do now. The salary would be the same as what I make now, but the ceiling is a lot higher, and it's a stepping stones for other management positions in the future. I felt pretty good about my chances, until I applied. Then my boss told me that another girl applied, someone who kind of already has experience in the position. I have a few things in my favor (I'm a college graduate and she's not, and for some reason, she started crying in the middle of the last interview she had???), but I don't think those differences really put me over the edge. If I was the hiring manager, I would probably hire experience over education. No interviews yet, but I'm no longer confident that I will get the job (not to mention that the last person who had this job utterly failed at it, so what makes me think I can do any better?)

Dang... I thought I had it

On Saturday, one of my close girlfriends, who happens to be The Agent's cousin, turned 40. I had asked her several weeks ago if she wanted to plan a GNO. She said she would have to think about it, and she'd let me know. Then her husband called me last week, and said they wanted to do a couples getaway in Tahoe. Ummm..... you want me to try to find someone to watch my kids for the whole weekend with only 5 days notice? Not going to happen! I could go, but The Agent would have to stay home. Then her husband suggested we go to Sacramento for the night, go out to dinner and then to a comedy club. That was more doable, but the two babysitters we use were both busy on Saturday. So, again I said that I could go, but The Agent would have to stay home. And you know what? HER HUSBAND SAID HE WANTED IT TO BE COUPLES ONLY. I was so hurt and mad. So, because my husband can't go (or didn't want to go), it makes me less of a friend? What if I was single? I wouldn't have been invited? The Agent said not to waste my time worrying about it, but it made me think that she clearly doesn't consider me a good friend.  And that made me think of my relationships with my other friends.... I don't really have any close friends. It's clearly because I'm a mean, horrible, bitchy person.

But no worries, I have my husband and kids. Except my husband was pouting on Saturday because I wasn't feeling like the sex kitten he wanted me to be. Why is he even with me? I'm not nice, I complain to him all the time, and I don't put out as much as he wants me to. Oh, is it because I'm SUCH a good mom? Not likely. My son is a habitual liar and my daughter is turning in to the neurotic basket case than I am. Good times for all.

So, all in all, not the most wonderful weekend. I feel like I'm sucking with my job, my friends, my husband, and my kids.

Why I Drink

A conversation I overheard between Bug and BK....

Bug: Here, have a bite of my mango.

BK: Ugh! It tastes like poop!

Bug: How do you even know what poop tastes like?

BK: Remember when you tricked me and said it was chocolate?

Bug: Oh, yeah. That was gross.

Maybe they knew I was listening. Or maybe they're the two nastiest kids ever.

Weekend Update-- I Fail as a Parent

It was a hard week, and a hard weekend. The Agent was away all week for work, and I had to handle everything on my own. Everything tends to go to poop when The Agent is gone.

Things were actually going ok until Thursday. I got a call from the day camp that the kids are going to and was told that I had to pick up BK, and he was suspended for the rest  of the week.

Suspended. From Church camp.

It actually could have been a lot worse. It seems that BK and three or four others were chasing a lizard around outside , trying to catch it. The poor lizard tried to escape by crawling through the air conditioner vent, so BK and the other boys kicked in the vent trying to get the lizard out. They destroyed the vent with their kicking, so all the boys were suspended.

I understood that this is unacceptable behavior and BK needed to be punished, but I thought a two day suspension was rather extreme. Where were the adults? He's only six, he needs to be supervised. If I thought he didn't need supervision, I would just leave him at home!

So, I had to work from home on Thursday. But it's hard to work from home with a little boy, especially when he's being punished so it's not like he can play outside or watch a movie or anything. So I was able to call his old daycare she agreed to watch him on Friday.

Man The Agent wasn't happy about that. It's FUN at the daycare. So, it's like he's getting rewarded but making the wrong choice, but what else could I do? The Agent was gone, I don't have any other family in town, and I couldn't work from home again.

On Saturday, I decided that we were going to start fresh, and we had a great day. We went to park for a picnic, the kids played, and it was just a great day.

picnic in the park

And then that day ended.

On Sunday, I found a candy wrapper in BK's bedroom. It turns out that he had swiped a piece of chocolate without asking, and then lied about it. This was devastating for me. Bug had accused BK of stealing a piece of her candy, and I defended him, saying that there was NO WAY he took a piece of candy. But the worse part? He took it on Thursday afternoon, the same day he had gotten in trouble at camp. So the whole day he was in trouble at home. The whole day, I was harping on him on how he needs to make better decisions. The whole day, I was telling him that because of the choices he made, he has to pay the consequences.

After all that, and he STILL took the candy without asking, and then lied about it when questioned. It didn't sink in AT ALL. #ParentingFail

He spent the entire day on Sunday in his room.... after I removed every toy he owns.

Here's hoping that next week will be better!

Weekend update-- Happy 4th!

Look at my little miss:

She's been waiting two years for her hair to be long enough to donate again. Finally, she had enough. 

11 inches, gone! I was worried that she would regret her decision, but she's totally happy with it! Thank the Lord! I just hope she still loves it when school starts next month! If any of those little punk 4th graders  say anything bad about it, I will have to get all mama bear on them!

Sigh. I remember what it was like to be 9. Not the best time. 

On Saturday, Bug made a cake:

It was red, white, and blue inside! 

In the evening, we went to my parents house for dinner and fireworks. 

I spent a lot of time playing with my camera, playing with the settings to get the best shots: 

I'm still working on it. But we did get a few fun shots of the kids playing with the sparklers:

Hope you all had a happy 4th! 

BK's story

(This is a repost of BK's story. I received the phone call on June 29, 2009.) 



It was a Monday, and it started out like any other day. I was at my office, and I was thinking about The Agent, so I sent him a text: “Just thinking about how much I love you.” After I hit send, I instantly received a voicemail message. Somebody had called right when I was sending the text, so it went straight to voicemail.

The call was from our social worker, and she asked me to call her right away. Weird. We hadn’t heard from her in like three months. I called her back, and she told me the news. A baby boy, born two weeks ago, ours if we want him. Oh, Sweet Jesus. I can’t breath.

Our first picture. Yes, that would be a perma-grin on my face.

We met Baby 19 (who didn't even have a name yet) the next day. He was the most gorgeous thing I’ve ever seen. He had fair skin, blond hair, and blue eyes. So very very tiny.

We were told that Baby 19's birth mother had walked into the hospital two weeks ago, saying that she was pregnant and that she had never had any pre-natal care, but she was in labor, and would like to safely surrender the baby. She gave birth to a 6 pound, 1 ounce baby boy. Her situation was discussed extensively with a case worker, but she was very clear in her intentions: she was not able to raise this baby, and she wanted him to go to a good home.

The woman was discharged, Baby 19 remained at the hospital. The case worker told the woman that she had two weeks to change her mind and come forward, but she would need her hospital id bracelet in order to claim the baby.

The woman walked out, leaving the bracelet behind.

Because of our failed first attempt at adopting, I had told our social worker not to contact us again unless it was a sure thing, so our social worker had waited the two-week long waiting period before calling us.

Bug holding BK for the first time

We brought Baby 19-- now BK-- home two days later.

Please everyone, say a prayer now, thanking God for His ultimate wisdom. There is a reason for everything. This is it.